Mkay, I'm about to get deep on your booties.
I pride myself on having a super up-beat and loving blog. I love to look on the bright side and think of all the good things that are happening, hence the name "because i am blessed" but there's been something that I sort of just can't shake and I just really feel like blogging about it. No, I'm not about to get depressed on you I just want to see if I'm crazy or more normal than I thought.
So, here we go. I just ran a half marathon. I trained for two months, ran over 100 miles and did everything I could to train properly and get the right advice and so on. History real fast- I am not a runner, I've never been good at running and I've tried numerous times to get better. There have been points where I would be running for weeks and only get up to 2 or 3 miles and that would still be hard for me. I'd come home in tears with frustration boiling as I could not understand why I couldn't do something I tried so hard on. When I decided to do a half marathon I was an anxious wreck. I needed constant reminders that it wasn't impossible and that after training I would be able to get my endurance up and complete this goal that I had had for so long and that had always torn me down every time I attempted it. My husband and mom didn't hear the end of it and I am so grateful for their patience and upbeat attitude that helped me throughout the whole process.
I finally decided to do it, and doubted myself every step of the way. The week of I felt like I would pass out I was so nervous; I just couldn't believe that I would be able to do it considering how horrible I used to be at running. Even standing at the starting line I looked around me and saw all these fit, runner bodies and felt sick thinking I didn't belong there. During the race I felt great and right after I was so relieved but I never felt the sense of accomplishment. Everyone was telling me what a great job I did and that it was amazing and so on and it made me feel great! I was so grateful for family, friends and blog followers being so sweet and congratulating me but I didn't feel different! Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion but for the last four days I have tried to be proud of myself, tried to say "you did it! that's a big deal!" but then instantly the thought comes that it's not a big deal and that a ton of people run that race everyday.
I feel so silly posting this and am still trying to decide if I even will. I guess I'm just frustrated. To have a goal seem so out of reach and to finally touch it, have hold of it and then not have the sense of pride and accomplishment that I thought I'd have. Is this normal? 13.1 miles seems less and less amazing every time I think about it; why can't I just be proud of myself and understand that it is a big deal? An important thing to know about me is that I don't have low self-esteem. I don't toot my own horn or love everything about myself but I really don't think this is some self-destructive thing going on; I guess that's why I am so confused as to why it's happening. To go through every thing that I have gone through to get to the point of being able to run that race and do well and then to not be happy and understand the magnitude of it, or rather not have that sink in, has been extremely frustrating.
I guess the point of this post, if I do post it, is to ask if this is normal? Does this sort of thing happen after big achievements? At the beginning of this goal I would think it was crazy that I didn't feel elated and proud of myself at the end but now I can't bring myself to feel that way at all. Why!? Please tell me this has happened to you. Am I normal or crazy?!
p.s. I still feel very blessed to have been able to be healthy enough and have the support to achieve this goal, I am in no way saying I regret the hard work I put into it and hope that this post does not distract from the overall cheerful attitude I try to keep on my blog.
Kelsey,
ReplyDeleteWhat you did IS a huge accomplishment, at least in my eyes. I, myself, am not a runner, although I wish I could. I have started running and I would love to be able to get up to at least 3 miles without feeling like I was going to pass out or die. I think if you can do it, maybe I can too. What you have done is truly an inspiration to me. You may not feel like it is a big deal to run that far or that long, but there are others around you that are vey impressed with what you have done. You are one amazing lady!
Jenny
Jenny
Absolutely this is completely normal - for every aspect of our lives. We all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses. For you, running might be a weakness but you had a goal to overcome it and you did something incredible! Celebrate those weaknesses that you are slowly turning into strengths. It took tons of your time, motivation and hard work. Most people have never run a 5k. In fact, most people have problems getting off their butts to exercise, so the fact that you did a half marathon is incredible.
ReplyDeleteIt’s hard, but try and focus on how it was a big deal for you. How you accomplished something that was seemingly impossible for you. Comparing yourself to others is not necessarily a bad thing (how tons of people run that race every day), rather it is to what and how you compare yourself that is important.
…and what was supposed to be a quick comment turned into novel, and probably doesn’t make any sense.
Kelsey,
ReplyDelete13.1 miles is an amazing accomplishment. I know you are not fishing for compliments here and that is why it breaks my heart that you think it is not amazing what you did! It takes physical strength for sure but even more mental strength to have the confidence and ability to run that race.
That said, it seems like there is always someone (or a lot of people) who can do more and do it more gracefully and with more ease. I have found that in my own life. It is difficult for me not to compare myself to others when I say how gracefully they handle things in their lives. While you see people who are more fit and have an easier time conquering 13.1 miles or more, I see people who are stronger in every sense of the word who have been through horrifying things, worse than I can imagine and I wonder to myself what my problem is! The key here, I think, is to not compare. You know how hard you worked, how many hours of anxiety you suffered through and no one else does. You know that you conquered all that, and no one else does. So be proud Kels. You are amazing and I'm proud of you!
Love you!
Emily Nicoll
Take the advice of Pres Monson--"Enjoy the journey.". The most important thing in this process is the work and the discipline that it took to get there. You now know that you can do things that are hard and seemingly impossible. You are absolutely wonderful. This will settle in and as always you will learn the important lessons from this experience. XO
ReplyDeleteI didn't expect this much feedback but all your advice and counsel was exactly what I needed to hear. I am so blessed to have so many wise and loving people in my life! Every single one of you have made points that I really needed to hear and I appreciate you taking the time to help me with this. What a relief if it is to know that I'm not alone but that there are also ways to overcome this way of thinking. Thank you so so much! It is a big deal to ME and I can do hard things! Love you all :)
ReplyDelete