reoccurring nightmare.

one year five months and 24 days. yes, i do remember the exact day i cut all my hair off. 15 inches to be exact. 13 of which were donated to locks of love. living my entire life with long hair i had always wondered what it would be like to have short, spunky hair. i figured i could pull it off and always wanted to donate it. after literally years of saying "okay this time i'm going to donate it" and freaking out at the last second i finally did it. it didn't happen as i had expected but i think it needed to play out this way in order for me to actually go through with it. every time i went to get a hair cut i was told to not cut my hair, my "beautiful, curly, golden hair". so, how did i finally convince everyone to lay off and let me chop it? i didn't. i merely didn't tell a soul. including myself. i, indeed, decided to cut off all my beloved hair on the way to get my hair "trimmed". my stomach literally churned as i drove to "hair do" where i get my hair cut by the lovely and amazingly talented emilee. as i parked and walked in the butterflies didn't go away. still they persisted as i walked in and back to her seat. the usual exchanges were made and then emilee, knowing me, says, "so just a little trim?" i look at her dead in the eye (okay, well dead in the eyes of her reflection in the mirror, i was already sitting down) and said "nope, hack it off." her face erupted in a smile and she then proceeded to ask every variation of "are you sure?" until finally she understood i was not going to change my mind. after shampooing and conditioning (by the way why does that always feel amazing when they do it? i try to imitate them in the shower and it just isn't the same) anyway, we return to THE CHAIR where she whips out her black apron and wraps it around me. braiding my hair and securing it with the same pony tail holder i constrained my hair in when walking through those front salon doors she took her scissors and asked "you ready". i don't remember saying anything just squeezing my eyes shut and feeling the weight fall away from my head. who knew hair could weigh so much!! i do admit that tears came to my eyes. i immediately pushed them back by recounting some lame joke and making myself and emilee laugh. the deed was done. and my hair was gone. so, now lets get to the jist of this post. i loved it. i felt free and kind of rebellious. everyone was shocked to say the least but they eventually got over it and learned to love it. occasionally i would miss it but really i just enjoyed having fun with it, trying new things that would've never worked with my long crazy hair. so now, almost a year and a half later, how do i feel? mixed. someone tell me what to do!! lets add on top of this my reoccurring nightmares! i'll explain; i have these nightmares that my hair is back. long and always perfect (in my dream) and it's blowing in the wind, or some other cliche scene, and then i wake up and it's gone. it's not really there. for the first few times this dream came to me i literally cried (that shouldn't surprise you) not hard crying, just a little tear-age of the eyes as i realize that my hair wont grow back over night. so here's the thing. i somewhat hate the length it's at right now. BUT i really want to donate again! so..grow out and chop off? or just chop off? or just live with it and let it grow out and see if i like it a little longer? bleh. i hate hair. (that's a lie) but if you have an opinion let me know! (ps i don't care how old this post is by the time you read it, comment, because i'll most likely still be trying to make this decision months from now.) i do not regret donating it, at all. it was an amazing experience and when i realize how my hair blessed someone else i realize how silly it is for me to really care about a few inches of lost hair. at least i can grow hair! at least i am healthy and don't have to deal with treatments and things way beyond my maturity level. i'm so glad i could do this for someone else, even though i'll never know who it ended up with, i know it helped. and i am so happy i could help

because i am blessed.

p.s.first picture is obviously right after i cut it, before i sent in my hair (i was kind of sad she braided it because then it waved instead of curled, oh well) and the second is spring break senior year, about a year before i cut it all off. note that you cannot even see the end of my hair in that picture. i couldn't find a picture where all my hair was shown hahah thats how long it was ahhh!